Of Desire and Denial
by Queen-Kass-the-Writer
Summary: Rhea Lavellan never expected to fall in love with a human, much less a Gray Warden bound by duty. But, she never questions her decision to love Warden Blackwall whole-heartedly. They spend a night of passion together and affirm their love, but she is unaware of what the next dawn will bring (Part 1/3 of the By His Side Trilogy)
1. Chapter 1

Coming home from a week in the Hissing Wastes, Rhea Lavellan was a mixture of exhausted and sick of finding sand in unmentionable places. The first thing she did was soak in a warm bath and wash off all the dried blood and leftover sand she might have missed. The moment she stepped out of the bath, she thought about Blackwall. She missed him throughout the week and looked forward to seeing him again almost as much as her bath.

Approaching the barn, Rhea noticed that his back was facing her and he was staring deep into the miniature fire pit roaring away. She couldn't help but smile at the Griffon made of wood resting on his worktable. She moved on her toes toward him and gained his attention by wrapping her arms around his waist from behind him. Blackwall peeked over his shoulders at Rhea's goofy grin and smiled at her. Letting go momentarily, she nuzzled her way around and giggled as Blackwall's hand curved around her waist and pulled her in closer. Rhea lifted onto her tiptoes to meet his lips and sighed when he pulled her in for a kiss. When he pulled back, Rhea's eyes flickered open after savoring the moment.

"Want a drink? I've a hankering for company." Blackwall inquired and Rhea nodded with a simple smile. Taking her hand in his, Blackwall guided Rhea out of the barn and to the Herald's Rest. The two walked together, side by side up the staircase and through the mostly deserted courtyard. The only people to witness the Inquisitor and her Gray Warden lover roaming Skyhold together were a few soldiers stumbling drunk exiting the tavern. Upon reaching the Herald's Rest, Blackwall opened the door and allowed Rhea in before him. The two entered the empty tavern and sat at the bar. The bartender, Cabot, quickly served them some drinks before heading back into another room of the bar. Rhea sipped at her drink, but set it down when she heard Blackwall sigh.

"You're brooding." Rhea declared, leaning back with her glass of ale and sipped at it. Her eyes searched his for an answer, but he avoided looking at her.

"I am not." Blackwall answered simply, but Rhea wasn't buying it.

"I like brooding." Rhea grinned and her fingers walked up his arm as she leaned in close to him. She fluttered her lashes at him in the tiniest hint of seduction, hoping that she could elicit a blush out of him. However, Blackwall merely blinked at his lover with all seriousness.

"I was thinking about when we went to the ruin, when we found the badge. Everything seemed clear then, like I could do anything with you at my side. Anything. That's a hard word, you know? Means a lot." Blackwall mused and Rhea, so enamored by what he said, shifted in her seat and finished her drink in one go. At Blackwall's shock, she nudged him to do the same and he subsequently followed. Rhea slipped her hand into his and laced their fingers together.

"You mean a lot. Let's get out of here…" Rhea remarked and Blackwall rose from his seat. He didn't have to ask what she wanted; her eyes spoke volumes. The two left the tavern and headed back to the barn. Rhea bit down on her lip. She knew that she flirted so heavy-handed with Blackwall since day one and was fond of innuendos, but she never expected their first time to be so emotional. Within minutes, they arrived at the barn. Rhea wordlessly followed Blackwall up the stairs and up into the loft. Before anything could be said, the two were kissing and moving deeper into the loft. Blackwall suddenly pulled back from the embrace and when Rhea wanted to question what was bothering him, she felt something cool slip between his and her palms. Rhea glanced down to see the Warden badge before glancing back up to meet his eyes.

"You need to know that I'm not worthy of you. There's no future for us with me as a Warden." Blackwall whispered sadly, glancing down at the Warden badge resting between his and Rhea's hands. Rhea struggled with the right words that would convince him that what they wanted was possible, that they were possible. What he said at the tavern truly resonated with her and she refused to give up on her love for him.

"I'm here for you, no matter what comes." Rhea asserted, cupping the side of his face with one hand and the other tugged at his collar with an unhurried movement. Blackwall processed her declaration with some uncertainty, but hovered closer into Rhea's space. She felt her breath hitch at the gleam in his grey eyes.

"Then, for now, let there be nothing else… no one else. Just you and me." Blackwall pulled Rhea into his chest and the two kissed brazenly, the taste of ale and hints of desire wavering on their tongues. Rhea relinquished any control she had the moments that Blackwall's lips caressed the underside of her neck. Needing to have his lips on hers, she pulled him back into her lips. Blackwall's coarse fingers slipped into Rhea's braided hair and tediously undid her braids until her golden tresses piled around her shoulders in soft, pleated waves. Rhea gasped slightly when the back of her knees bumped against the edge of Blackwall's bed, but that hardly stopped her from allowing herself to be laid down on it. Blackwall moved on top of her without breaking any contact between the two of them. Rhea moaned and grasped at his collar wantonly as Blackwall tugged at her shirt. He glanced up at that moment to meet Rhea's wild eyes to pose a silent question.

"Yes. Blackwall, please take me." Rhea whispered and that broke open Blackwall's restraint. He tugged away all of her clothes and discarded them alongside the bed. His rough, scarred hands moved with the most delicate of touches. Rhea lost herself in the sensations of his touches and his kisses. Her whimpers guided and beguiled Blackwall to elicit whatever response he could from her.

"I love you, Rhea…" Blackwall glanced down at the gorgeous, elven woman laying beneath him and how her smile glowed from the faint lighting of the fire reaching up into the loft. Seeing her filled him with warmth.

"I love you too..." Rhea replied as she worked his shirt off and carefully dropped it to the side, pulling him back in for another kiss. Blackwall and Rhea entered the night with the soft moans of passion and the release of each other driving them through the night and into the warm embrace of sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Rhea's eyes bolted open and with heavy breath she reached behind her for the comfort of Blackwall's presence, only to find and empty space and a cold spot where Blackwall should have been. She sat straight up and her naked frame shivered with the cold breeze.

"Blackwall?" Rhea called out, worried. She didn't want to rush to conclusions and wondered if he had gotten up during the night. She jerked when something cold pressed against her ankle and she glanced down at whatever it was. To her horror, it was the Gray Warden badge they discovered at the ruins. Rhea glanced out the window and her heart sank in her chest.

Blackwall left her.

Gathering the fur beneath her and wrapping it around her naked figure, Rhea shakily rose from the abandoned bed and staggered through the dead courtyard. Tears blurred her vision as she stumbled through Skyhold and to the personal chambers where her advisors resided. She stepped foot in the Grand Hall and tumbled to the floor, losing grip of her makeshift cloak. Hitting the unforgiving cold floor was the final push that sent Rhea over the edge. The tears flowed freely then and her silent cries became audible sobs. She barely pulled herself up from the ground and stumbled to the hallway of her advisors. How could she have been so foolish? How could she have forgotten the wise advice of her clan leader to never let a shemlen into your heart or bed? She was a fool. She entered the advisor's wing and stumbled over to the door she believed belonged to Josephine. Between sniffles, Rhea knocked loudly on Josephine's door and waited for an answer. The door opened almost immediately and Josephine appeared on the other side in her nightwear, rather confused.

"Inquisitor, what is the matter?" Josephine inquired astonished upon noticing Rhea's tears and unusual state of dress. Rhea broke down and her bright green irises were stained red and puffy from a flood of tears.

"He's gone." She wailed and the doors down the hall opened to reveal Leliana and Cullen, half-asleep, checking out the noise. They spotted Josephine and Rhea and rushed over. Josephine filled the two of them in by mouthing what she assumed happened. The blanks were filled in when Rhea murmured Blackwall's name before collapsing into more tears. Both Leliana and Cullen were shocked, but their shock quickly morphed into anger and resolve.

"I will search his quarters." Cullen declared and headed to his office where he would gather some of his men to search for any clues in Blackwall's quarters.

"I will send a couple of my scouts to check Skyhold and the nearby area for him." Leliana stated and raced down the hall to the rookery. Josephine helped a still sobbing Rhea into her room and gave her something simple to wear for the time being and offered to draw a bath. However, Rhea was inconsolable and merely laid at the edge of Josephine's bed with her head lying on the sheets.

Hours later, Leliana would personally confirm to an emotional Rhea that Blackwall was gone. Rhea collapsed into Cullen's arms and Josephine assisted in escorting the Inquisitor back to her room, hoping to minimize any scandal. Little did Rhea or her advisors know about the life that was slowly forming inside of the Inquisitor, making the incident impossible to escape without scandal.


End file.
